My friend Frank is a true Renaissance man. He wears interesting facial hair, plays a gazillion odd instruments, reads a lot (or at least has an extensive library), paints, prepares gourmet level meals, knows his Bordeaux from his Chianti and owns the world's last rotary phone.
It's olive or avocado green and he uses it as his landline. Yes it works. Stay with me kids, I know some of you are wondering, but yes, he does own a cell phone. He's not rebelling, he's just practical.
When I go to his home, I don't feel as if he's in the dark ages or I'm in a time warp if that's what you think. I feel comforted that he owns something that reminds me of a time gone by and that something is still useful. I've always been a function over form girl. In fact when flip phones came out and everyone had to have it, I kept my old phone and put Swarovski crystals all over it--so what it wasn't a flip--it was beautiful.
The first time my son visited Frank he pointed to the avocado vestige and said plain as day, "What's that?", and that's when it occurred to me, to us, that we had on our hands a prime example of the generation of "Didn't Knows" and that we were the last of generations that did know.
The Didn't Knows are kids born in the 90's, especially the latter half. There are a lot of things that they just don't know, haven't seen and are insignificant to them. They are the Internet kids. They've never known life without it and now they are a victim to the perils that come with not knowing and understanding how previous generations will pray upon them for their ignorance.
Once upon a time, you could go to a party, drink a beer or smoke a joint and no one would be the wiser when you made it back home, passed out in your bed and went to school the next day. Today's children must suffer the snitch who takes out their camera phone, uploads the picture of you slamming one down and there you are in the Principal's office of your high school, parents in tow, being expelled for violation of the Zero Tolerance policy.
These children were bamboozled into thinking the Internet was their friend. They were never reluctant about diving into the deep end because it was so welcoming--at first. It was social and a new way to make new friends and stay connected to old ones. But somehow it became a treacherous place filled with haters of every variety and the spying eye of Big Brother watching and scrutinizing and worse, judging your every move.
Gone are the halcyon days of having a life outside of your place of employment. The Didn't Knows are so entwined in Web culture they will never know the compartmentalization of school, home and work. It's a shame too because each area was viewed t be its own sacred time. Now kids leave work on Friday, post pics of their weekend activities and instead of your co-workers asking you how was your weekend and what did you do, they comment under your photo or your status update and retweet to your boss that you are hungover and not going to work.
The Didn't Knows just don't know that they are a victim of the worst invasion of privacy to overtake the world. It's not quite Orwellian; it's not dreary that way. But it is a bit Blade Runner, as in the future is here and it's out of your control.
I wish the Didn't Knows just knew a bit of what it was like to make it all the way home thinking you got away with something only to have your Mom at the door waiting for you with a down turned lip. You thought she was amazing and magical and your respect for her grew enormously. I want the Didn't Knows to know that people used to get beat up for "putting people business out on the street" and that loose lips sink ships. I want them to know that there is virtue in maintaining mystery and that because your camera phones makes movies you are not automatically a star of porn or otherwise.
A lot of people think the Internet is a place to voice one's opinions and sound off on matters, ergo a lot of venom gets spewed in the name of Free Speech on the Internet. But I think it's appalling how people say things in this impersonal framework that they wouldn't dare say to a person's face. The Internet breeds a certain cowardice disguised as false bravado. If anything, because of the impersonal nature of the Web, you need to practice even greater manners. I want the Didn't Knows to believe in text and Internet etiquette. Even if it's not my etiquette or the Post etiquette but to establish one for themselves and work it to the fullest. Right now, it's hard to say but I see no sign of etiquette - it's anything goes.
Sex tapes, plastic surgery, $, music, kicks and clothes. It seems that's all that's going on in the minds of the Didn't Knows. Too young to care and not old enough to know, they get incinerated in this post-modern limbo.
I can offer these few words in hopes that the Didn't Knows get the point:
Privacy is anything that you want to keep to yourself and a great rule of thumb is if you wouldn't want your mom or dad standing there with you while you're doing it, don't allow a camera to be there either. Think of the camera as your mom or dad. Think of Twitter and Face Book as your mom and dad. I know they want you think of them as young fun-loving adults, but they are spies for your parents, your boss, your boyfriends and girlfriends, etcetera. If you want to maintain your privacy (and you should) you've got to start re-imagining these sites as what they truly are and not what they want you to believe. Am I saying they are sinister or were intended to hurt you? No I am not. What I want you to know is that our families, our bosses, our lovers and coworkers in their quests to be seen and liked, in their plays for attention and recognition have turned these innocuous sites into a weapon and they and others are using it against YOU. If you don't protect yourself, you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Who's watching you? Colleges & universities you want to attend in the future, your teachers and principles now, current and potential employers, inmates, killers and pedophiles, jealousy obsessed folks, in general, freaky motherf'ers. I'm looking too and I'm all smh...so practice restraint in what you choose to share because the choice is still yours and you already know what I believe--Moderation = Sexy!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
waiting
Why oh why must we wait? The pounding of the heart, the ticking of the clock. Drip of the faucet and turn of the lock. Where did you go? I haven't a clue what to do now that you never come through that door anymore.
Here I'll be waiting.
Seems to me to be truly free I mustn't wait so. But having the time, nary a dime and I'm willing to wait some m-o-r-e more.
Signing off, The Sexy Moderate
Monday, January 25, 2010
have a little fun ok
Seriously. When it comes to relationships it's best not to take them or yourself too seriously. If it's not fun, or the person you're with isn't fun anymore (or never was) then you should adjust and move on to greener pastures as it were.
I have a lot of friends and it's been fun to watch their relationship escapades over the years--mine included. More often than not, the girls tended to go too far for a boy that was less interested in her than he was in her getting to know his little friend. The guys tended to wait too long to tell the girl how much he really wanted her and lost what could have been to what was definitely happening.
The point is this: we stay too long in relationships that aren't working.
One time, my friend went to see the guy she was dating and there was another woman at his place. So she sat there with the two of them waiting for the other to leave. When he got tired he said he was going to bed and told my friend she should go home. In your face. Whoosh. She thought she was this guy's girlfriend. Is that a delusion of grandeur?
Good grief. Does it have to be so hard? If humans were really the superior species wouldn't we have some sort of built in mechanism that rejects people with whom we can't be serious? Wishful thinking perhaps because to my knowledge there's very little physically that keeps two people apart. In fact we all possess the same types of pheromones that attract us to one another. Instead our heads and maybe our hearts determine how much we like someone and are willing to commit to them. But sexually speaking, there's no barrier whatsoever to getting busy. Now that's flawed if you ask me.
It's flawed because we [humans] have designed marriage and we all know you can have marriage without sex and sex without marriage. Marriage is two things: a legal contract that demands fidelity and a contract with God that says you will forsake all others. Either way you're limited once you've made your choice, but the part that gets me is that it has nothing to do with sex and procreation with your chosen partner. Wouldn't that ultimately be the point of marriage--to create more lives?Then we designed divorce to repeal those contracts. Sorry to God and sorry to nature.
In nature many creatures stay true to their mate for life; Blue Jays are such a species. The female chooses one male from a group of suitors and they fly away to be together. How does she know? She just knows. Then the male brings her food and twigs to make a home for the babies that will be coming. There's a higher power at work which insures perpetuation of the bond. Humans do this too but there's nothing internal, save for the mental anguish of leaving one's mate or the fear of a messy divorce that keeps a person that faithful. Not even love!
So is it love that keeps the birds together or the basic knowledge that they have fulfilled their destiny? With humans, temptation and desires delude us into believing there's more to be had and done; often in spite of contracts we've made with one another. Our destiny is ever evolving. Love is the excuse we use in either situation--going towards someone initially as well as leaving to go toward something or someone else i.e., I fell out of love or we couldn't help it, we fell in love.
People, maybe scientists, will say because those birds are well, bird brained, they don't have the capacity to discern love, and they only act via instinct. I ask, if humans are truly superior, shouldn't we be designed to run on an even higher order of this? But no, instead we're stricken, with a sickness, of over complicating relationships and thinking delusionally: that we can get away with having it all.
No one and nothing gets to have it all. The little Blue Jay understands this and lives satisfyingly because of it, simply stated. Relationships take time to develop into something and or fizzle to nothing. The case for marriage is overblown, but the case for divorce is abused and many people make both choices unwittingly I might add. Life is distracting. If you can remove some of the distractions, marriage might have a shot. In my own life, I've seen it work as my parents were married for 54 years. Arguments happen and breakdowns occur but if you can take those lumps and not fall apart then just maybe you can get somewhere on the timeline.
I know a girl waiting on a guy to marry her. There's a running joke about how he's actually too old to be called her boyfriend anymore. There's this intense pressure to make that happen and this man should no sooner be married than he should be president; it would just be funny. Too many women know this man and although he's a good candidate for change, the likelihood of any change occurring is next to none. I know another man that is married and yet always on the prowl. What was the point of the marriage? Why are people running headlong into this life choice that has nothing to do (at least legally) with life? Could it be these days nobody likes suffering... unless it's with someone by their side?
I'm just saying have as much fun as you need to before you make that decision because marriage is sacred and legally binding and in my view should be about making babies or raising them (adoption). Most people know this to be fundamentally true, even Tiger Woods married his wife then got her pregnant a couple times. It's just that he couldn't stop having sex with all those other women. Humans can take a clue from the blue birds and other species that mate for life...they only do it when they're ready.
Signing off,
The Sexy Moderate
I have a lot of friends and it's been fun to watch their relationship escapades over the years--mine included. More often than not, the girls tended to go too far for a boy that was less interested in her than he was in her getting to know his little friend. The guys tended to wait too long to tell the girl how much he really wanted her and lost what could have been to what was definitely happening.
The point is this: we stay too long in relationships that aren't working.
One time, my friend went to see the guy she was dating and there was another woman at his place. So she sat there with the two of them waiting for the other to leave. When he got tired he said he was going to bed and told my friend she should go home. In your face. Whoosh. She thought she was this guy's girlfriend. Is that a delusion of grandeur?
Good grief. Does it have to be so hard? If humans were really the superior species wouldn't we have some sort of built in mechanism that rejects people with whom we can't be serious? Wishful thinking perhaps because to my knowledge there's very little physically that keeps two people apart. In fact we all possess the same types of pheromones that attract us to one another. Instead our heads and maybe our hearts determine how much we like someone and are willing to commit to them. But sexually speaking, there's no barrier whatsoever to getting busy. Now that's flawed if you ask me.
It's flawed because we [humans] have designed marriage and we all know you can have marriage without sex and sex without marriage. Marriage is two things: a legal contract that demands fidelity and a contract with God that says you will forsake all others. Either way you're limited once you've made your choice, but the part that gets me is that it has nothing to do with sex and procreation with your chosen partner. Wouldn't that ultimately be the point of marriage--to create more lives?Then we designed divorce to repeal those contracts. Sorry to God and sorry to nature.
In nature many creatures stay true to their mate for life; Blue Jays are such a species. The female chooses one male from a group of suitors and they fly away to be together. How does she know? She just knows. Then the male brings her food and twigs to make a home for the babies that will be coming. There's a higher power at work which insures perpetuation of the bond. Humans do this too but there's nothing internal, save for the mental anguish of leaving one's mate or the fear of a messy divorce that keeps a person that faithful. Not even love!
So is it love that keeps the birds together or the basic knowledge that they have fulfilled their destiny? With humans, temptation and desires delude us into believing there's more to be had and done; often in spite of contracts we've made with one another. Our destiny is ever evolving. Love is the excuse we use in either situation--going towards someone initially as well as leaving to go toward something or someone else i.e., I fell out of love or we couldn't help it, we fell in love.
People, maybe scientists, will say because those birds are well, bird brained, they don't have the capacity to discern love, and they only act via instinct. I ask, if humans are truly superior, shouldn't we be designed to run on an even higher order of this? But no, instead we're stricken, with a sickness, of over complicating relationships and thinking delusionally: that we can get away with having it all.
No one and nothing gets to have it all. The little Blue Jay understands this and lives satisfyingly because of it, simply stated. Relationships take time to develop into something and or fizzle to nothing. The case for marriage is overblown, but the case for divorce is abused and many people make both choices unwittingly I might add. Life is distracting. If you can remove some of the distractions, marriage might have a shot. In my own life, I've seen it work as my parents were married for 54 years. Arguments happen and breakdowns occur but if you can take those lumps and not fall apart then just maybe you can get somewhere on the timeline.
I know a girl waiting on a guy to marry her. There's a running joke about how he's actually too old to be called her boyfriend anymore. There's this intense pressure to make that happen and this man should no sooner be married than he should be president; it would just be funny. Too many women know this man and although he's a good candidate for change, the likelihood of any change occurring is next to none. I know another man that is married and yet always on the prowl. What was the point of the marriage? Why are people running headlong into this life choice that has nothing to do (at least legally) with life? Could it be these days nobody likes suffering... unless it's with someone by their side?
I'm just saying have as much fun as you need to before you make that decision because marriage is sacred and legally binding and in my view should be about making babies or raising them (adoption). Most people know this to be fundamentally true, even Tiger Woods married his wife then got her pregnant a couple times. It's just that he couldn't stop having sex with all those other women. Humans can take a clue from the blue birds and other species that mate for life...they only do it when they're ready.
Signing off,
The Sexy Moderate
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Teaching kids to use condoms in Cambodia.
Do they look a little embarrassed? They do look a little embarrassed to me.
When is it too much too soon?
My son recently began health class i.e., sex ed for sixth graders. After the first day I asked him how it went, to which he replied: "Mom, what happens in health class stays in health class," to my astonishment. Then he added, "But I will tell you this, the word 'ejaculation' was used."
For the next few minutes I pleaded with him to share with me what was being discussed. I guess I started to fear the worst, like soon I was going to have to worry where all the Kleenex has gone, so I pressed some more. "Well," I offered, "if you ever have any questions or don't understand something, let me know."
My son was cool and agreed to that request but let me know in no uncertain terms that having to take health now was possibly the most horrible thing he's had to do to date. I had no idea it would be so bad but to my memory, I don't remember taking health until freshman year. I guess they are starting a lot sooner these days for good reason too I suppose.
My mind went back to Miss Scarlett who was my health teacher at Whitney Young; a petite, unfeminine woman with a thick country accent. She was a plain speaking southern lady who coached the girls tennis team mainly when she wasn't in gym class teaching square dancing or swimming, or health. I don't really think she was suited for the latter because she tended to miss things that went over her head when my classmates would surreptitiously get one in on her, like asking if gonads was the same as balls. She always kept a straight face as if she was none the wiser and answered accordingly, while the sideways glances told everyone else, "Watch me say balls".
As I gave it some further thought I remembered a girl from college, Jean. She was considered a weirdo by most, but I thought she was pretty cool. My straight laced Midwestern university was no place for a girl like Jean, but then again, it needed her so desperately too. She was pale and wore bright red lipstick. She usually rocked a black tam on her dishwater blond tresses that made her look very spy-worthy. She seemed to come from a Get Smart episode anyway. Her boyfriend Jim was stuck in the 70's, drove a Camaro and gave "burnt-out rocker" a face. Jean smoked a lot, and sometimes I would find her late at night studying in this place were very few people studied and we would hang. She told me stories and used words like "puce". She was uncommon. Often she was with a guy named Michael who was our school's openly gay crossdressing desk attendant. I can't remember if I'd seen him in his gowns personally or if he'd only shared pictures with me, but he was quite fetching in them and boy was he funny--that I do remember. Actually they both were.
I was reminded of her, and consequently him, because of the health class thing. See one night she was talking about where she came from and how there was only one black girl in her school. She related a story about how they were taking sex ed and the teacher proceeded to go over the body parts. He began his sentence in a deep, stoic tone, "And as we all know the penis has no bones", at which time the only black girl jumped out of her chair with all the conviction she could muster and in her thick black vernacular expelled, "Yes it does, because I FELT it!".
For my kid, there was no humor in sex ed. The way he tells it everyone was embarrassed and mortified. When he finally spilled the proverbial beans, it was more about the terminology and finding out about things they haven't experienced yet, although they might be just around the corner. Things like wet dream, ejaculate and intercourse or "I-C" for short, were overwhelming all at once. I asked him, what could have been better and he said they should have eased into it and made the class take longer.
I wasn't there and knowing what I know, these kids are pretty precocious but it's probably better they know how their bodies work so as to avoid the pitfalls of what not knowing brings. But, it also sounds to me like a more moderate approach would have made sex ed less humiliating and dare I say it--not in that over the top way, but in the way that suggests its not all bad--just a tad more sexy.
For the next few minutes I pleaded with him to share with me what was being discussed. I guess I started to fear the worst, like soon I was going to have to worry where all the Kleenex has gone, so I pressed some more. "Well," I offered, "if you ever have any questions or don't understand something, let me know."
My son was cool and agreed to that request but let me know in no uncertain terms that having to take health now was possibly the most horrible thing he's had to do to date. I had no idea it would be so bad but to my memory, I don't remember taking health until freshman year. I guess they are starting a lot sooner these days for good reason too I suppose.
My mind went back to Miss Scarlett who was my health teacher at Whitney Young; a petite, unfeminine woman with a thick country accent. She was a plain speaking southern lady who coached the girls tennis team mainly when she wasn't in gym class teaching square dancing or swimming, or health. I don't really think she was suited for the latter because she tended to miss things that went over her head when my classmates would surreptitiously get one in on her, like asking if gonads was the same as balls. She always kept a straight face as if she was none the wiser and answered accordingly, while the sideways glances told everyone else, "Watch me say balls".
As I gave it some further thought I remembered a girl from college, Jean. She was considered a weirdo by most, but I thought she was pretty cool. My straight laced Midwestern university was no place for a girl like Jean, but then again, it needed her so desperately too. She was pale and wore bright red lipstick. She usually rocked a black tam on her dishwater blond tresses that made her look very spy-worthy. She seemed to come from a Get Smart episode anyway. Her boyfriend Jim was stuck in the 70's, drove a Camaro and gave "burnt-out rocker" a face. Jean smoked a lot, and sometimes I would find her late at night studying in this place were very few people studied and we would hang. She told me stories and used words like "puce". She was uncommon. Often she was with a guy named Michael who was our school's openly gay crossdressing desk attendant. I can't remember if I'd seen him in his gowns personally or if he'd only shared pictures with me, but he was quite fetching in them and boy was he funny--that I do remember. Actually they both were.
I was reminded of her, and consequently him, because of the health class thing. See one night she was talking about where she came from and how there was only one black girl in her school. She related a story about how they were taking sex ed and the teacher proceeded to go over the body parts. He began his sentence in a deep, stoic tone, "And as we all know the penis has no bones", at which time the only black girl jumped out of her chair with all the conviction she could muster and in her thick black vernacular expelled, "Yes it does, because I FELT it!".
For my kid, there was no humor in sex ed. The way he tells it everyone was embarrassed and mortified. When he finally spilled the proverbial beans, it was more about the terminology and finding out about things they haven't experienced yet, although they might be just around the corner. Things like wet dream, ejaculate and intercourse or "I-C" for short, were overwhelming all at once. I asked him, what could have been better and he said they should have eased into it and made the class take longer.
I wasn't there and knowing what I know, these kids are pretty precocious but it's probably better they know how their bodies work so as to avoid the pitfalls of what not knowing brings. But, it also sounds to me like a more moderate approach would have made sex ed less humiliating and dare I say it--not in that over the top way, but in the way that suggests its not all bad--just a tad more sexy.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
South Africa's MPHO
covers Kate Bush--this is great whether rising or falling...keep your eye on this little cutie rising star.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Adrenaline & Lethargy
Get going. Right. In the A.M. it's not often that easy. At night it's major work to shut it down sometimes. This combination of lethargy and adrenaline is the push-pull that gets me out of bed but keeps me flying way beyond quitting time. If you're like me, maybe some of these remedies will help.
HERBAL REMEDIES
A lot of my friends like to smoka de ganga. I prefer some chamomile or other herbal tea. It always does the trick. The thing about the other herb is you never know if it's going to speed you up or slow you down, from what I understand, you just never know. Also, despite reports to the contrary, you aren't going to have an herbal hangover in the morning. The other stuff can keep you from rising so you can just forget about shining.
CAFFEINE, COFFEE & More
When I'm really lethargic there is nothing like a strong cup of java-Joe-kaffe. I like mine black and I don't look back. We've all seen the joys of a coffee high-the astonishment of how just an hour ago you were like "the time to make the donuts guy" and here you are now, multitasking 15 things. But the crash; not so pretty. Also, you can't do it everyday: then you end up having to have five cups instead of one. As with any drug, caffeine builds an incredibly fast tolerance so...that's right, better moderate your usage.
VITAMINS
Occassionally I replace coffee with a packet of Emergen-C and find that it is great for releasing hidden energy stores too. It has a lot of B vitamins in there and I call B the boost vitamin--its also a boon to your attitude. Try it yourself and tell me what you think.
GREEN TEA
Kombucha is the best kind supposedly, but whatever one you get, green tea has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. It doesn't have the kick of coffee in my opinion, but sometimes, I don't want my ass kicked, if you know what I mean.
FOOD
This can be both an upper and a downer. Black people talk about the itis all the time (see The Boondocks if you are unfamiliar). But if you have a simple bowl of cereal in the morning or some good protein in a lite meal (egg white omelette) you can get some energy from that and keep yourself going till the afternoon. Remember, every nutritionist says you shouldn't skip meals. I have to admit though, sometimes after a strong cup of coffee, I tend not to want to eat--just another reason for me to not to use it everyday.
ALCOHOL
Lots of my ladies like to have a glass of wine or four in the evening. It's never really been my thing but if you prefer not to go gently into that good night, then red wine would probably be better for the slow down process. We don't touch the stuff before noon however...right ladies?
DIET/SLEEPING PILLS
Tried it once. Dexatrim/Ambien. Don't really recommend these. I mean it was fine that one time, but...I guess I'm just not that into pills.
EXERCISE
Thirty minutes of cardio can really get your blood flowing and good circulation is one of the best ways to invigorate yourself in the morning. Funny enough, the same thing is said in some studies for bedtime. I found that a modification of this does work really well at calming the mind and that's deep stretching or a slow/short yoga routine. I don't recommend getting on the treadmill while watching the nightly news, but I'm not a fitness expert.
These are just things that work for me. I practice moderation in the usage of all these since I like them to work when I try them. You have to do what works for you. Staying in tune with the needs of your body (as these are mainly remedies that affect you physically) is a great way not to get burnt out on any one thing and you can have your arsenal of tricks handy. As I see it moderation keeps you at your sexiest.
HERBAL REMEDIES
A lot of my friends like to smoka de ganga. I prefer some chamomile or other herbal tea. It always does the trick. The thing about the other herb is you never know if it's going to speed you up or slow you down, from what I understand, you just never know. Also, despite reports to the contrary, you aren't going to have an herbal hangover in the morning. The other stuff can keep you from rising so you can just forget about shining.
CAFFEINE, COFFEE & More
When I'm really lethargic there is nothing like a strong cup of java-Joe-kaffe. I like mine black and I don't look back. We've all seen the joys of a coffee high-the astonishment of how just an hour ago you were like "the time to make the donuts guy" and here you are now, multitasking 15 things. But the crash; not so pretty. Also, you can't do it everyday: then you end up having to have five cups instead of one. As with any drug, caffeine builds an incredibly fast tolerance so...that's right, better moderate your usage.
VITAMINS
Occassionally I replace coffee with a packet of Emergen-C and find that it is great for releasing hidden energy stores too. It has a lot of B vitamins in there and I call B the boost vitamin--its also a boon to your attitude. Try it yourself and tell me what you think.
GREEN TEA
Kombucha is the best kind supposedly, but whatever one you get, green tea has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. It doesn't have the kick of coffee in my opinion, but sometimes, I don't want my ass kicked, if you know what I mean.
FOOD
This can be both an upper and a downer. Black people talk about the itis all the time (see The Boondocks if you are unfamiliar). But if you have a simple bowl of cereal in the morning or some good protein in a lite meal (egg white omelette) you can get some energy from that and keep yourself going till the afternoon. Remember, every nutritionist says you shouldn't skip meals. I have to admit though, sometimes after a strong cup of coffee, I tend not to want to eat--just another reason for me to not to use it everyday.
ALCOHOL
Lots of my ladies like to have a glass of wine or four in the evening. It's never really been my thing but if you prefer not to go gently into that good night, then red wine would probably be better for the slow down process. We don't touch the stuff before noon however...right ladies?
DIET/SLEEPING PILLS
Tried it once. Dexatrim/Ambien. Don't really recommend these. I mean it was fine that one time, but...I guess I'm just not that into pills.
EXERCISE
Thirty minutes of cardio can really get your blood flowing and good circulation is one of the best ways to invigorate yourself in the morning. Funny enough, the same thing is said in some studies for bedtime. I found that a modification of this does work really well at calming the mind and that's deep stretching or a slow/short yoga routine. I don't recommend getting on the treadmill while watching the nightly news, but I'm not a fitness expert.
These are just things that work for me. I practice moderation in the usage of all these since I like them to work when I try them. You have to do what works for you. Staying in tune with the needs of your body (as these are mainly remedies that affect you physically) is a great way not to get burnt out on any one thing and you can have your arsenal of tricks handy. As I see it moderation keeps you at your sexiest.
Monday, January 18, 2010
equality friends
"Have no friends not equal to yourself."
- Confucious (551 - 497 BC) Chinese philosopher.
At what point do you start "withholding" friendship from those who can't or won't show you the same level of support? Maybe you don't have to withhold, maybe you just need to moderate.
If possession is 9/10ths of the law, then perception is 100 percent. Sometimes the people in your life get away with treating you less like a friend and more like a minion and that's not a good look when you want to be viewed as an equal in the relationship. If you are perceived by others as someone who acts as a sycophant to another peer or professional colleague, then you can believe you will lose a modicum of respect from both those looking in as well as from the friend.
The friend may not intend to be disrespectful, but certain expectations will arise from making yourself too available, and your friend will probably take for granted that you make a choice to be supportive. While in fact, you can always choose otherwise, but out of a sense of loyalty, you may want to be there for your friend. In my view sleight of hand isn't just a magician's trick. When you feel slighted, you have no choice but to act strategically for the sake of your reputation and respect. If you take back a little of your dignity you can feel pretty good about how, where, when and why you decide to dole out your support in the future.
One time, a friend of mine, Janet* had a birthday party and her best friend told her she was coming but didn't bother to show up. Imagine the distraction all night wondering where her friend could be but having to entertain the guests at her party anyway. When her friend sauntered in three hours late with a lame boyfriend fight excuse, it was enough to make anyone's head explode. But by saying nothing Janet gave her permission to continue the behavior of devaluing their friendship; which she did, over and over again.
The only time I've seen these types of relationships go from bad to better was when the sycophant removed them self from the relationship entirely. Sounds harsh doesn't it? But extreme times call for extreme measures don't they? People need to believe that you are able to stand and create on your own. No one needs to walk in anyone's shadow. After all, self-determination is one of the finest caveat's of living.
If you have in fact gone too far in any relationship with making yourself into a doormat, or overly supportive, then perhaps a little moderation on your part can help reestablish equilibrium so you don't have to make that quantum jump from all to nothing. Here are some hard and fast rules for bringing things back in line:
1) A tit for a tat. Maybe you have a friend who expects you to come to all their events, but never/hardly ever shows at yours. This is actually easy. For every event they attend of yours, you attend an event of theirs. Once you start, you can't break form. You can only attend another event of theirs when they've showed face at one of yours. The idea is not to be miserly with your friendship but to see if your friend will value the relationship and make a point of attending something that is important to you. Moderating your time, allows them the gift of moderating theirs. When I wanted to go visit a friend too much when I was younger, my mom would say, "You don't always have to go over to somebody's house, let them come over to yours now and then too," and she was right.
2) Staying in touch is a two-way street. Let your friend know that their friendship means a lot to you and you are genuinely interested in their life. Share something each time they share something with you so they see this is not the narcissist's hour. Not only do you have to listen to their babbling but they have to hear yours as well. You do have a life and they need to recognize!
and finally...
3) Be open to changing the dynamic at any time by any means. If your friend calls with a crisis and you help her through it, you have every right to laud it over her head when you are facing your own. Sometimes playing the game means having to let people know when they are being selfish with their friendship. It's okay though, because when people are self-serving you have to call them on it, even if, no, especially if they are our friends. Look at it like this, it's not being manipulative when you are really helping them by giving them the opportunity to help someone else (you).
Good friends are hard to come by and sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people that we might drop if only we could change the course of history. More than likely, you feel trapped by certain ties that bind, and you don't want to turn your back on someone completely. I'm here to tell you that not only can you change the course of the relationship, but you can change the friend through your own actions or at the very least, change how they deal with you. It's a bit of self respect with a bit of tough love; a little assertion mixed with a little ingenuity.
Work it right and it's a whole lot of moderation and that's a whole lot of sexy.
- Confucious (551 - 497 BC) Chinese philosopher.
At what point do you start "withholding" friendship from those who can't or won't show you the same level of support? Maybe you don't have to withhold, maybe you just need to moderate.
If possession is 9/10ths of the law, then perception is 100 percent. Sometimes the people in your life get away with treating you less like a friend and more like a minion and that's not a good look when you want to be viewed as an equal in the relationship. If you are perceived by others as someone who acts as a sycophant to another peer or professional colleague, then you can believe you will lose a modicum of respect from both those looking in as well as from the friend.
The friend may not intend to be disrespectful, but certain expectations will arise from making yourself too available, and your friend will probably take for granted that you make a choice to be supportive. While in fact, you can always choose otherwise, but out of a sense of loyalty, you may want to be there for your friend. In my view sleight of hand isn't just a magician's trick. When you feel slighted, you have no choice but to act strategically for the sake of your reputation and respect. If you take back a little of your dignity you can feel pretty good about how, where, when and why you decide to dole out your support in the future.
One time, a friend of mine, Janet* had a birthday party and her best friend told her she was coming but didn't bother to show up. Imagine the distraction all night wondering where her friend could be but having to entertain the guests at her party anyway. When her friend sauntered in three hours late with a lame boyfriend fight excuse, it was enough to make anyone's head explode. But by saying nothing Janet gave her permission to continue the behavior of devaluing their friendship; which she did, over and over again.
The only time I've seen these types of relationships go from bad to better was when the sycophant removed them self from the relationship entirely. Sounds harsh doesn't it? But extreme times call for extreme measures don't they? People need to believe that you are able to stand and create on your own. No one needs to walk in anyone's shadow. After all, self-determination is one of the finest caveat's of living.
If you have in fact gone too far in any relationship with making yourself into a doormat, or overly supportive, then perhaps a little moderation on your part can help reestablish equilibrium so you don't have to make that quantum jump from all to nothing. Here are some hard and fast rules for bringing things back in line:
1) A tit for a tat. Maybe you have a friend who expects you to come to all their events, but never/hardly ever shows at yours. This is actually easy. For every event they attend of yours, you attend an event of theirs. Once you start, you can't break form. You can only attend another event of theirs when they've showed face at one of yours. The idea is not to be miserly with your friendship but to see if your friend will value the relationship and make a point of attending something that is important to you. Moderating your time, allows them the gift of moderating theirs. When I wanted to go visit a friend too much when I was younger, my mom would say, "You don't always have to go over to somebody's house, let them come over to yours now and then too," and she was right.
2) Staying in touch is a two-way street. Let your friend know that their friendship means a lot to you and you are genuinely interested in their life. Share something each time they share something with you so they see this is not the narcissist's hour. Not only do you have to listen to their babbling but they have to hear yours as well. You do have a life and they need to recognize!
and finally...
3) Be open to changing the dynamic at any time by any means. If your friend calls with a crisis and you help her through it, you have every right to laud it over her head when you are facing your own. Sometimes playing the game means having to let people know when they are being selfish with their friendship. It's okay though, because when people are self-serving you have to call them on it, even if, no, especially if they are our friends. Look at it like this, it's not being manipulative when you are really helping them by giving them the opportunity to help someone else (you).
Good friends are hard to come by and sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people that we might drop if only we could change the course of history. More than likely, you feel trapped by certain ties that bind, and you don't want to turn your back on someone completely. I'm here to tell you that not only can you change the course of the relationship, but you can change the friend through your own actions or at the very least, change how they deal with you. It's a bit of self respect with a bit of tough love; a little assertion mixed with a little ingenuity.
Work it right and it's a whole lot of moderation and that's a whole lot of sexy.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
H E L P
A moment to reflect on the tragedy in Haiti: my prayers and thoughts go out to each individual who has been affected by the recent events. May recovery be quick and may your personal losses be minimal, yet may your faith stay strong.
A friend of mine had the pleasure of doing some missionary work in Haiti this past summer and when he called me today to see if I could lend a hand for a benefit, I of course said I would help in any way.
He asked if I would just let people know about the event which I can do easily. Friday January 15, tomorrow night at Cuatro Restaurant 2030 S. Wabash, DJ's united for Haitian Relief, featuring: Derrick Carter, Glenn Underground, and more. In fact he has a lot of people working that angle since many offered their talents and skills for this event. The suggested donation is only $10 but I hope that the people who go will give as much as they can because it's going to take a lot of individual effort to see the victims through this tragedy.
Fifty thousand dead is the latest estimate. I spent a moment today trying to wrap my head around that figure. I have to say I started to think of some sporting events I have attended in the past. In order to comprehend how many that was I imagined Wrigley Field a little more than sold out--with corpses. Yes, it's a harrowing thought.
I have to do this because I have what many people have; if it's not happening directly to me, then it's easy to be comfortably numb.
This past Christmas I received a card from my friends at Shure that said something like Happy Holidays and as a gift, we made a donation in your name to Doctors Without Borders. That truly made me happy because I like to be philanthropic--when I can. In the past year however, my philanthropy has all but disappeared. I mostly save that for my family as cash has been pretty scarce--I'm feeling the hit like I imagine many are--but I know many are not.
Maybe you are struggling to make ends meet and wondering when will it end and when will we be solvent again as a nation or when will be able to resume dining out regularly and so on and so forth and then a catastrophe happens and you feel small and petty. We so often realize in some one else's peril that our life is a blessing.
I came up with a new idea (for me) that since I couldn't really donate a lot of money this last year, that I would just serve people and volunteer to do more things this year. I'm excited I'll be leading an afterschool program for a group of students at my son's school. In the future I'd like to do the same thing at other schools.
When I had more money I donated to zoos and museums and I'm not saying that was a bad thing, but donating to those types of organizations has benefits like free parking or a free t-shirt or a member's card that gets you discounted meals. There's usually a trade so you can immediately see a benefit to your giving. Then there's also the tax deduction. Volunteering is vastly different, and I think I'm going to be really grateful to do more of that this year. I think it's true what people say about volunteering, how it's a feeling that you get that's unlike any other.
In the future I hope I can apply some moderation to both efforts and give a little money when I have it, but to also put more effort into volunteering because there's nothing sexy about not making good use of your time.
Signing off,
The Sexy Moderate
PS: Beautiful Haitian Beach foto by: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mweriksson/
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Vanity
HOT BOD ...I've never had a vanity plate and I'm not sure I ever will. I may have a blog called Moderation is Sexy but I don't think I could drive around with a license plate advertising that...something like SXY MOD.
People would probably think it meant sexy model and then when guys followed me in their cars pretending to be going the same place as I, can you imagine the disappointment when the 5'3" me exits from the driver seat that is elevated to the last click?
Vanity is a funny thing. Beauty when it's pursued by anyone has the ability to become vain. We all have a vain friend, hell we might even be the vain friend. Do you constantly fuss with your hair or constantly check your mirrors or say any reflective glass you may be walking past?
Guilty! I admit, I've been prone to a bout of vanity and I justify it by saying it's balance for the times when I've felt butt ugly. I think that's perfectly okay and moreover, normal. I think we're allowed to feel ourselves from time to time. It's when it carries on too long that your friends find themselves rolling their eyes when they hear you go on one more time about your this or that. They've heard that one before so, stop yourself.
I suppose since we're all guilty of this, I don't really have much else to say about it--just moderate that and be aware of your oversized head. By the way, one side of my face is bigger than the other--a makeup artist told me that and she was right. Stuff like that will keep you in check no doubt. If you need that kind of real talk, go to Macy's State Street. The thing is, I could endure this attack on my vanity because in the end she made me look like a model - a very short, but pretty, model.
I should mention, I was suffering from a cold and really feeling sub par that day. By having my vanity destroyed and rebuilt from the outside in, I really did grow a few inches, even if they were only on the inside. There's something to being humbled; look for it from your friends and from strangers too. A little criticism never hurt anyone...in fact it can lead to much self-improvement if you aren't too defensive to hear the words. There's also something to getting a makeover when you're feeling low. A little makeup never hurt anyone either...when applied in moderation it can make you feel so sexy.
People would probably think it meant sexy model and then when guys followed me in their cars pretending to be going the same place as I, can you imagine the disappointment when the 5'3" me exits from the driver seat that is elevated to the last click?
Vanity is a funny thing. Beauty when it's pursued by anyone has the ability to become vain. We all have a vain friend, hell we might even be the vain friend. Do you constantly fuss with your hair or constantly check your mirrors or say any reflective glass you may be walking past?
Guilty! I admit, I've been prone to a bout of vanity and I justify it by saying it's balance for the times when I've felt butt ugly. I think that's perfectly okay and moreover, normal. I think we're allowed to feel ourselves from time to time. It's when it carries on too long that your friends find themselves rolling their eyes when they hear you go on one more time about your this or that. They've heard that one before so, stop yourself.
I suppose since we're all guilty of this, I don't really have much else to say about it--just moderate that and be aware of your oversized head. By the way, one side of my face is bigger than the other--a makeup artist told me that and she was right. Stuff like that will keep you in check no doubt. If you need that kind of real talk, go to Macy's State Street. The thing is, I could endure this attack on my vanity because in the end she made me look like a model - a very short, but pretty, model.
I should mention, I was suffering from a cold and really feeling sub par that day. By having my vanity destroyed and rebuilt from the outside in, I really did grow a few inches, even if they were only on the inside. There's something to being humbled; look for it from your friends and from strangers too. A little criticism never hurt anyone...in fact it can lead to much self-improvement if you aren't too defensive to hear the words. There's also something to getting a makeover when you're feeling low. A little makeup never hurt anyone either...when applied in moderation it can make you feel so sexy.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Res ipsa loquitur and the law of diminishing returns
Res ipsa loquitur or the thing speaks for itself: an innocent bit of Latin stuck in my head since it was taught to our class by a substitute teacher sometime back in 1981.
Of all the things I've learned, this bit of language resides on a patch of land in my brain that I still have access to but that entire year of trigonometry-poof! The random bits that remain of lessons learned and problems solved give me pause for concern. Our mental capacity is supposed to be very big but I have a feeling it is like the law of diminishing returns: the more you put in, the less you can get out!
When I decided I wasn't going back to podiatry school, I felt a tremendous sense of lightness. I had been going to school since I was 2 1/2. I was 24 years old and had felt like I'd been in school long enough. Particularly since I'd lost the passion for that particular pursuit-feet: ewww-I was more than relieved when the school said take a year off and come back. I said okay but I actually knew then I wasn't ever going back.
That's when my life began in some ways. I was free to experience a variety of things and there were no books to tell me what was what --res ipsa loquitur-- things began to speak for themselves. I became a trained step instructor and taught classes (sometimes seven days a week) at the local Women's Workout World. I took great pleasure in buying my leotards and workout gear. I made up routines for my step classes. I picked out music and thought deeply about how to get around the boards in a way that was fun and challenging for my students. I loved when I got the ladies sweating and smiling and I liked the club manager Maria, who taught a reluctant me how to open the club at six AM.
I got so into teaching that I began to think of getting competitive. That was until I went to the fitness expo and saw and met some of the people who were deep into that industry at the time. These serious, finely chiseled women and men competing with their aerobic routines and double Velcro strapped Reebok's were a sight to behold. Combining gymnastics and the perkiness of Mary Lou Retton with a four riser step board I met the woman who would undo all my plans. You have to understand; the blond hair, the calves!!! Anyway, after her first double back, I knew then I was no match for that type of energy. I could see there was not only a fondness for the sport, but that she saw each movement as a way to become a commodity. She was branding herself in the world of fitness and I knew that wasn't where I belonged; at all.
Shortly thereafter my interest in waking at five AM and teaching multiple classes per day because they didn't have enough instructors began to wear on me--the law of diminishing returns--and soon I was burnt out on WWW. It wasn't long before I threw in the proverbial towel. To stay any longer would have been bad for everyone. I didn't miss it either.
In the end, you just have to be aware, listen to the cues being sent to and through you. There's a naturalness to life if you're open to living that way, read: intuitively. I work on doing things that feel right most of the time; I mean really feel right to my head and heart. As long as my moral compass works, that's all I need to stay centered but live passionately. I keep my fun where it belongs and business where it belongs and that's why moderation has never been sexier.
Of all the things I've learned, this bit of language resides on a patch of land in my brain that I still have access to but that entire year of trigonometry-poof! The random bits that remain of lessons learned and problems solved give me pause for concern. Our mental capacity is supposed to be very big but I have a feeling it is like the law of diminishing returns: the more you put in, the less you can get out!
When I decided I wasn't going back to podiatry school, I felt a tremendous sense of lightness. I had been going to school since I was 2 1/2. I was 24 years old and had felt like I'd been in school long enough. Particularly since I'd lost the passion for that particular pursuit-feet: ewww-I was more than relieved when the school said take a year off and come back. I said okay but I actually knew then I wasn't ever going back.
That's when my life began in some ways. I was free to experience a variety of things and there were no books to tell me what was what --res ipsa loquitur-- things began to speak for themselves. I became a trained step instructor and taught classes (sometimes seven days a week) at the local Women's Workout World. I took great pleasure in buying my leotards and workout gear. I made up routines for my step classes. I picked out music and thought deeply about how to get around the boards in a way that was fun and challenging for my students. I loved when I got the ladies sweating and smiling and I liked the club manager Maria, who taught a reluctant me how to open the club at six AM.
I got so into teaching that I began to think of getting competitive. That was until I went to the fitness expo and saw and met some of the people who were deep into that industry at the time. These serious, finely chiseled women and men competing with their aerobic routines and double Velcro strapped Reebok's were a sight to behold. Combining gymnastics and the perkiness of Mary Lou Retton with a four riser step board I met the woman who would undo all my plans. You have to understand; the blond hair, the calves!!! Anyway, after her first double back, I knew then I was no match for that type of energy. I could see there was not only a fondness for the sport, but that she saw each movement as a way to become a commodity. She was branding herself in the world of fitness and I knew that wasn't where I belonged; at all.
Shortly thereafter my interest in waking at five AM and teaching multiple classes per day because they didn't have enough instructors began to wear on me--the law of diminishing returns--and soon I was burnt out on WWW. It wasn't long before I threw in the proverbial towel. To stay any longer would have been bad for everyone. I didn't miss it either.
In the end, you just have to be aware, listen to the cues being sent to and through you. There's a naturalness to life if you're open to living that way, read: intuitively. I work on doing things that feel right most of the time; I mean really feel right to my head and heart. As long as my moral compass works, that's all I need to stay centered but live passionately. I keep my fun where it belongs and business where it belongs and that's why moderation has never been sexier.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Insane in the membrane
Mental...mentality...the mentalist...the quest for enlightenment begins here I think. Let's get mental for a moment.
Have you ever thought about the significance of your ability to think? Ergo, etc., and et al., Descartes, yada yada yada. Chuckle freely. I am going on about the most important reason for being in the most nonchalant way. Sorry, but what I need to say is keeping one's mind in check is tantamount to real survival, read: true freedom. So slippery it is...dream states, waking states, anxiety, depression, BOOM BOOM ain't it great to be crazy. It's all so surreal, subconscious I mean, okay sort of, well no, not really at all. Man where was I? Oh yeah, right, mentality.
This talk of positive mentality and creative visualization has made some people true believers (in something) and others more skeptical than ever. Does anyone come to their own conclusions anymore? Tells you where my head is at doesn't it? Perhaps. Who knows? Maybe I had it figured out when I was eleven and read Thoreau, declared myself a transcendentalist and got on with it, so to speak. No "secrets", no Dianetics, no Christian science, just plain old literature. Words.
Oh yea, and those nagging reference books: Merriam Websters and King James. They played a big part too. But Jesus was cool or still is, but he's hella more cryptic than Confucius, Buddha and Osho and interpretation is in the soul of the speaker. I said, "Interpretation is in the SOUL of the SPEAKER."
In some ways I couldn't live without either. When times are really rough I have two good books to get me through. Good ole Dictionary when all else fails; to master this, is really to rule the world. Good ole Bible; has more riddles than answers but that's half the fun. It's church that's kind of tedious. Oops, there I said it now now, I'm just admitting that I've tried a lot and while there's something enjoyable to it, the "ceremony" of church can be downright weird. But so are clubs, where I spend a lot of time.
The Mentalist is a fairly new show on CBS that I have yet to see but looks hokey from the commercial trailers. That's my opinion. Let me know if it's worth a spin. The guy has nice blue eyes right? Blondie.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or to taste or to have splattered on a windshield because you were texting and driving. We must be careful of these people and ghost bikes...here in Chicago if a cyclist is killed riding a bike, fellow riders-or maybe it's an organization-paints a bike all white and installs the bike like a monument near the spot of the accident to serve as a reminder to everyone...slow down.
Our minds are like that too. We have to slow them down, they are the original information superhighways. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you made it this far, then you've just witnessed what can happen with my mind, and I've no doubt you can do even more with your own. I've personally seen more than a few people slowly go crazy. Chemical imbalances caused by one too many slip ups: too much self medication, an emotional trauma that led to severe depression that lead to BANG schizophrenia. It's not a pretty sight. It's like watching a slow rotting corpse: sometimes you still see what was...most of the time you just smell that something's a little (or a lot), off.
Relax often; reflect and meditate. It works for me. Boom Boom ain't it great to be sex-y...Boom Boom ain't it great to be a moderate.
PS- There's a crazy game in the title link.
Have you ever thought about the significance of your ability to think? Ergo, etc., and et al., Descartes, yada yada yada. Chuckle freely. I am going on about the most important reason for being in the most nonchalant way. Sorry, but what I need to say is keeping one's mind in check is tantamount to real survival, read: true freedom. So slippery it is...dream states, waking states, anxiety, depression, BOOM BOOM ain't it great to be crazy. It's all so surreal, subconscious I mean, okay sort of, well no, not really at all. Man where was I? Oh yeah, right, mentality.
This talk of positive mentality and creative visualization has made some people true believers (in something) and others more skeptical than ever. Does anyone come to their own conclusions anymore? Tells you where my head is at doesn't it? Perhaps. Who knows? Maybe I had it figured out when I was eleven and read Thoreau, declared myself a transcendentalist and got on with it, so to speak. No "secrets", no Dianetics, no Christian science, just plain old literature. Words.
Oh yea, and those nagging reference books: Merriam Websters and King James. They played a big part too. But Jesus was cool or still is, but he's hella more cryptic than Confucius, Buddha and Osho and interpretation is in the soul of the speaker. I said, "Interpretation is in the SOUL of the SPEAKER."
In some ways I couldn't live without either. When times are really rough I have two good books to get me through. Good ole Dictionary when all else fails; to master this, is really to rule the world. Good ole Bible; has more riddles than answers but that's half the fun. It's church that's kind of tedious. Oops, there I said it now now, I'm just admitting that I've tried a lot and while there's something enjoyable to it, the "ceremony" of church can be downright weird. But so are clubs, where I spend a lot of time.
The Mentalist is a fairly new show on CBS that I have yet to see but looks hokey from the commercial trailers. That's my opinion. Let me know if it's worth a spin. The guy has nice blue eyes right? Blondie.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or to taste or to have splattered on a windshield because you were texting and driving. We must be careful of these people and ghost bikes...here in Chicago if a cyclist is killed riding a bike, fellow riders-or maybe it's an organization-paints a bike all white and installs the bike like a monument near the spot of the accident to serve as a reminder to everyone...slow down.
Our minds are like that too. We have to slow them down, they are the original information superhighways. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you made it this far, then you've just witnessed what can happen with my mind, and I've no doubt you can do even more with your own. I've personally seen more than a few people slowly go crazy. Chemical imbalances caused by one too many slip ups: too much self medication, an emotional trauma that led to severe depression that lead to BANG schizophrenia. It's not a pretty sight. It's like watching a slow rotting corpse: sometimes you still see what was...most of the time you just smell that something's a little (or a lot), off.
Relax often; reflect and meditate. It works for me. Boom Boom ain't it great to be sex-y...Boom Boom ain't it great to be a moderate.
PS- There's a crazy game in the title link.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cat Lady- too late for moderation :-(
When I see the "Cat Lady" it makes me sad. On the one hand I don't want to judge, on the other it's nearly too much to take not to say
s o m e t h i n g.
I came across her photo by chance while surfing. My son looking over my shoulder exclaimed, "Oh my God what happened to her face?" upon seeing the pic that one can only assume was taken from a distance with a very expensive zoom lens. The portrait reveals the taut, tanned skin pulled so tight that wrinkles are replaced by dimples. Her makeup looks tattooed onto her skin, so her features appear to be well, badly drawn. Her face actually looks crooked in a full body shot further down the page. My son begged me to not cast the pic again upon my laptop's screen.
I remember when the press first began to cover the Cat Lady. It may have been an episode of 20:20 that first sensationalized this story for me--don't hold me to that. But I decided to go back and see what she looked like before her remodeling began and she was for all purposes a foxy lady. I found this really interesting piece which summarizes her life and paints an astonishingly human look at the woman, Jocelyne Wildenstein. It would make you even think that love is what drove her to these years of self mutilation under the plastic surgeon's knife. Nay I say, it was an overabundance of insecurity that drove this fox into big cat territory.
Well, I don't want to go too far in on this woman. I see what happened and I sympathize for her. In the fact that she did something strange for love, and it got the best of her. (Raises hand) Been there! Many times we might say, well at least she's rich. But can you imagine all her pain--physical and mental? But I guess she's a lesson or at least a chance to learn. I told my son, don't turn away baby, this is a chance to see what it means to go too far.
Jocelyne Wildenstein aka Cat Woman is just more proof that moderation is sexy.
s o m e t h i n g.
I came across her photo by chance while surfing. My son looking over my shoulder exclaimed, "Oh my God what happened to her face?" upon seeing the pic that one can only assume was taken from a distance with a very expensive zoom lens. The portrait reveals the taut, tanned skin pulled so tight that wrinkles are replaced by dimples. Her makeup looks tattooed onto her skin, so her features appear to be well, badly drawn. Her face actually looks crooked in a full body shot further down the page. My son begged me to not cast the pic again upon my laptop's screen.
I remember when the press first began to cover the Cat Lady. It may have been an episode of 20:20 that first sensationalized this story for me--don't hold me to that. But I decided to go back and see what she looked like before her remodeling began and she was for all purposes a foxy lady. I found this really interesting piece which summarizes her life and paints an astonishingly human look at the woman, Jocelyne Wildenstein. It would make you even think that love is what drove her to these years of self mutilation under the plastic surgeon's knife. Nay I say, it was an overabundance of insecurity that drove this fox into big cat territory.
Well, I don't want to go too far in on this woman. I see what happened and I sympathize for her. In the fact that she did something strange for love, and it got the best of her. (Raises hand) Been there! Many times we might say, well at least she's rich. But can you imagine all her pain--physical and mental? But I guess she's a lesson or at least a chance to learn. I told my son, don't turn away baby, this is a chance to see what it means to go too far.
Jocelyne Wildenstein aka Cat Woman is just more proof that moderation is sexy.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
10 reasons why moderation is sexy
I'm of the belief that there's only one way to live fully and that's by enjoying all the good (and only some of the bad) that life has to give.
My mantra of the last decade has definitely been, "Moderation is sexy," so here are my top 10 reasons why that remains true for me. It's also my hope that some excessive people that may stumble upon these, might find the inspiration to dial it down. It's been a bad few years for people who took it too far (Casey Johnson, Brittany Murphy, ODB, David Carradine, Kevin Aucoin, Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole and her son, DJ AM, Heath Ledger etc and personal acquaintances too). There's no need for that is all I'm saying when you explore or enjoy in moderation.
Here are 10 reasons why moderation is sexy:
My mantra of the last decade has definitely been, "Moderation is sexy," so here are my top 10 reasons why that remains true for me. It's also my hope that some excessive people that may stumble upon these, might find the inspiration to dial it down. It's been a bad few years for people who took it too far (Casey Johnson, Brittany Murphy, ODB, David Carradine, Kevin Aucoin, Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole and her son, DJ AM, Heath Ledger etc and personal acquaintances too). There's no need for that is all I'm saying when you explore or enjoy in moderation.
Here are 10 reasons why moderation is sexy:
- It's always happy hour because you'll never be in AA.
- You know what the joint is but you've never been (nor will you become) a resident.
- HIV and STD are just more acronyms.
- Hysterical laughter is not a symptom of anything but a case of the funnies.
- Hysterical crying is reserved for meaningful and justified moments.
- Your family's name will not become associated with "extortion plot" or "kidnapping" i.e., you have just enough money to live comfortably but not so much people want to do you harm.
- You can actually break your body. Ouch!
- Death does not become you.
- Grand babies.
- Life is like a fine wine, it really does get better with age.
Better add one more.
11. True love.
About true love, a lot of people think you have just one soul mate, while some think you can have many over the course of your life. I can't really say. I just know that I'm of the mindset that what I thought was "it", wasn't (Can I get a woot woot?) so that leaves me here: I've lived a while and still haven't found "it" but I do believe "it" is out there. I've also had some fun looking for "it" (wink). I've also had some *bs* for lack of a better term, but it's all fair, right? If I'd checked out too soon, I would not know that so I'd like to stick around and see what unfolds.
It might be a conscious choice after all; I live because I want to live. What if there's a psychic energy or a psychic determination that sustains us through good and bad times? I have the motivation...I found it through my child. The reveal there could be that motivation may be the key to our survival. It's a something or a someone --a passion that can't be contained-- that gives you an internal drive that the cosmos cannot or will not extinguish until you have fulfillment. I sometimes feel if I perish it would be because I gave up--because I said to the universe in some way, "Take me--enough," and then it would happen. I'm not certain of this at all, it's just a theory. But I do like the idea that it's a choice I could make, just like the choice I make to stay moderate...and be sexy.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Are you corporate? Then you better squawk- A LOT!
The squeaky wheel gets the grease is a maxim of life and it goes against everything I am.
In corporate America I discovered that what I thought of as whiny and insecure translated into team player (read subservient) and interested in improving the workplace. When you choose the position of observer, it's hard for your superiors to get a read on you I was told. I was of the mindset that hiring someone was set upon their immense qualifications and that needless and incessant micromanaging could be counterproductive. Boy was I wrong.
In one position I held, although your productivity was all over the place (in that everyday you visibly interacted with several others and produced something tangible and available for scrutiny) there were still all these hoops to jump through and busy work--reports to do about these tangible products! The thing that ripped me up inside was that this material was barely analyzed or examined! They just needed you to do it. It was exhausting and exasperating being controlled by a machine that couldn't even take the time to interpret your data.
I have no idea why I am either so wrong about this or just completely not cut for corporate America. When I had a question (rarely) it was met with such enthusiasm that it made me question the genuineness of the person answering. Really? You really think that's an "amazing" question? When I had no questions it was seen as suspect; as if I could not possibly know all I needed to know to be able to perform my duties at a suitable and perhaps even higher standard than the others (who routinely asked questions, no matter how inane).
I get that participation indicates a certain level of interest, but soliciting help when it's not needed is as phony as a three dollar bill. Soliciting help when you don't need it just to make your superiors aware of what you're thinking at all times is just silly to me. Why is corporate America of the mindset that if you aren't licking boots then you must be plotting the demise of the company or even more paranoid, that you don't like them personally?
Some people may be surprised to know but essentially I'm an observant person. I've always been comfortable looking from a distance. I'd rather say nothing than the wrong thing. Part of this is true shyness, another part is fear of sticking my foot in it or even worse--not sticking my foot in it and being misunderstood anyway. Furthermore I have lightening fast thoughts and translating my own thoughts into comprehensible statements is often more than I can do. Please accept my smile or nod as currency in the same way as, "That's awesome," or "Great going,": It really is just as valuable. Can you conceive this with me? That a person can be with you and present in the moment without practicing some lame communication technique that says, "Reiterate what you just heard."
As to shyness, it's something that definitely requires a bit of moderation. It's an area that must be finessed because most of us have an internal voice that keeps us silent when we should be speaking. Some of us even have a switch that keeps us speaking when we should be quiet (you know who you are). Being fabulous one moment then crossing the line is a place I've found myself in before so take it from my experience; it's not an easy area to navigate. The only thing I can add is, in the end you are who you are, so love yourself even when you make mistakes--but DO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES. You learn things and it tells you you're alive.
I just want to say to corporate America that the days of Mad Men have passed. The corporate think tank has been drained dry and what you have now is a bunch of yes men and women. Productivity is down along with morale and that is why people have turned to small businesses, boutiques, creative types and more "real" and thoughtful entities to have their needs and services met. No matter how you dress it up, you can't look down for the cause if you aren't down for the cause and trying to do so is desperate and disingenuous.
Even if you want to have the best of both worlds, a bit of all worlds or all of one world, you better be authentic. Greased or ungreased doesn't matter; in the real world, you only squeak when necessary and that's sincere and always sexy.
PS - I love this guy's illustrations about corporate America.
In corporate America I discovered that what I thought of as whiny and insecure translated into team player (read subservient) and interested in improving the workplace. When you choose the position of observer, it's hard for your superiors to get a read on you I was told. I was of the mindset that hiring someone was set upon their immense qualifications and that needless and incessant micromanaging could be counterproductive. Boy was I wrong.
In one position I held, although your productivity was all over the place (in that everyday you visibly interacted with several others and produced something tangible and available for scrutiny) there were still all these hoops to jump through and busy work--reports to do about these tangible products! The thing that ripped me up inside was that this material was barely analyzed or examined! They just needed you to do it. It was exhausting and exasperating being controlled by a machine that couldn't even take the time to interpret your data.
I have no idea why I am either so wrong about this or just completely not cut for corporate America. When I had a question (rarely) it was met with such enthusiasm that it made me question the genuineness of the person answering. Really? You really think that's an "amazing" question? When I had no questions it was seen as suspect; as if I could not possibly know all I needed to know to be able to perform my duties at a suitable and perhaps even higher standard than the others (who routinely asked questions, no matter how inane).
I get that participation indicates a certain level of interest, but soliciting help when it's not needed is as phony as a three dollar bill. Soliciting help when you don't need it just to make your superiors aware of what you're thinking at all times is just silly to me. Why is corporate America of the mindset that if you aren't licking boots then you must be plotting the demise of the company or even more paranoid, that you don't like them personally?
Some people may be surprised to know but essentially I'm an observant person. I've always been comfortable looking from a distance. I'd rather say nothing than the wrong thing. Part of this is true shyness, another part is fear of sticking my foot in it or even worse--not sticking my foot in it and being misunderstood anyway. Furthermore I have lightening fast thoughts and translating my own thoughts into comprehensible statements is often more than I can do. Please accept my smile or nod as currency in the same way as, "That's awesome," or "Great going,": It really is just as valuable. Can you conceive this with me? That a person can be with you and present in the moment without practicing some lame communication technique that says, "Reiterate what you just heard."
As to shyness, it's something that definitely requires a bit of moderation. It's an area that must be finessed because most of us have an internal voice that keeps us silent when we should be speaking. Some of us even have a switch that keeps us speaking when we should be quiet (you know who you are). Being fabulous one moment then crossing the line is a place I've found myself in before so take it from my experience; it's not an easy area to navigate. The only thing I can add is, in the end you are who you are, so love yourself even when you make mistakes--but DO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES. You learn things and it tells you you're alive.
I just want to say to corporate America that the days of Mad Men have passed. The corporate think tank has been drained dry and what you have now is a bunch of yes men and women. Productivity is down along with morale and that is why people have turned to small businesses, boutiques, creative types and more "real" and thoughtful entities to have their needs and services met. No matter how you dress it up, you can't look down for the cause if you aren't down for the cause and trying to do so is desperate and disingenuous.
Even if you want to have the best of both worlds, a bit of all worlds or all of one world, you better be authentic. Greased or ungreased doesn't matter; in the real world, you only squeak when necessary and that's sincere and always sexy.
PS - I love this guy's illustrations about corporate America.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sex is pervasive...better moderate that
I remember when I was a virgin, and all my friends weren't, save for one. My friend, who I'll call Sam, and I decided if we hadn't had sex by 17 we would simply, do it. You know, just find someone, a boy, a crush or someone like that, if we didn't have a boyfriend to do the job. To be deflowered was the goal. You know all of our friends were active, some for several years already. We felt like old maids. The end of junior year we made this pact and went our ways that summer.
I was 16 and wanted a summer job. My mother said I would be working for the rest of my life and to just take it easy. (Maybe she was the original moderate in my life). Although it didn't help with the cash flow, I seemed to manage and had fun with my friends...going to House parties at Mendel and Soul Queen and wherever they were at the time. I was still solo however when we were getting close to returning to school for senior year. I liked some boys but there was no boyfriend to speak of so "becoming a woman" was looking quite impossible.
I'll never forget the day Sam called me toward the end of the summer. She was happy to announce that she had been hooking up with a guy from a summer program we were involved in a couple years back and that they had done THE DEED. She described to me their amazing rendezvous'...there were ice cubes and oral sex and lots of long languid sessions that you could only imagine reading in a Harlequin. I was stunned, titillated and depressed all at once.
I returned for senior year and went about my business...of virginity. When my friends told me of their exploits there was a part of me that just could not relate. I feigned understanding something only experience can teach you and I failed pretty miserably. It was like an invisible wall was always there when the girls in my clique talked about their boyfriends and the things they did together. I was often an outsider looking into a world I pretended to know.
Before I go on, don't get the wrong idea. I had boyfriends and had done the heavy petting thing. I just hadn't gone all the way. I mean, I had friends who had been engaging in the act since we were 11 so for all practical purposes I was coming late to the game as they say.
Then over Christmas break I met a freshman at Northwestern. A more mature man. Not someone I went to the same school with and I knew I'd met my mark. Sounds crazy now to think of him that way, but he was perfect in every way for the fait accompli. Or so I thought...
We began to see each other on weekends...mainly hanging out with friends. It was February and soon I would be 17 and I was already the last of my kind. I had decided my birthday would be the day I kissed my ass goodbye.
At a friend's house we began to make out in the basement. While a few people hung out in another room, we made our exit and went somewhere quiet. I was nervous. As we began to kiss I knew this could be it--the moment. He asked me what was wrong. Nothing I said knowing full well at the time, everything was wrong. Where we were, even who I was with. Someone I'd known for a few weekends between December and February? Too thoughtful for my own good and if I wanted to lose my virginity I sure wasn't going to get there from where I was then in my mind. So I masked my concerns and continued this journey.
At some point though I couldn't keep it to myself. WRONG. All wrong and so I stopped the process. I couldn't do it. The words in my head were so strong that I managed to save what was left of my virginity. I can say with certainty there wasn't "penetration". But it was as close as close gets. The kind of close where the guy is so mad at you he figures out just then that you were a virgin.
So, there I was. Still a virgin and having to go back into the world - or at least my friend's basement- and pretend as if nothing had happened. But everything was different. I knew I had almost lost something precious to me to someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.
I suppose I have more to say about sex, and I'm sure in the future I will. But for now, let me add that later I did lose my virginity and it was basically okay but it was with someone I loved and had known forever. And the sex became better...and better...and the love well, that's another story. But at least I know the difference and I did learn that sex is something that needs moderation, or you'll end up hurt or hurting someone... but love, you can give it by the oodles, and that's what I consider sexy.
I was 16 and wanted a summer job. My mother said I would be working for the rest of my life and to just take it easy. (Maybe she was the original moderate in my life). Although it didn't help with the cash flow, I seemed to manage and had fun with my friends...going to House parties at Mendel and Soul Queen and wherever they were at the time. I was still solo however when we were getting close to returning to school for senior year. I liked some boys but there was no boyfriend to speak of so "becoming a woman" was looking quite impossible.
I'll never forget the day Sam called me toward the end of the summer. She was happy to announce that she had been hooking up with a guy from a summer program we were involved in a couple years back and that they had done THE DEED. She described to me their amazing rendezvous'...there were ice cubes and oral sex and lots of long languid sessions that you could only imagine reading in a Harlequin. I was stunned, titillated and depressed all at once.
I returned for senior year and went about my business...of virginity. When my friends told me of their exploits there was a part of me that just could not relate. I feigned understanding something only experience can teach you and I failed pretty miserably. It was like an invisible wall was always there when the girls in my clique talked about their boyfriends and the things they did together. I was often an outsider looking into a world I pretended to know.
Before I go on, don't get the wrong idea. I had boyfriends and had done the heavy petting thing. I just hadn't gone all the way. I mean, I had friends who had been engaging in the act since we were 11 so for all practical purposes I was coming late to the game as they say.
Then over Christmas break I met a freshman at Northwestern. A more mature man. Not someone I went to the same school with and I knew I'd met my mark. Sounds crazy now to think of him that way, but he was perfect in every way for the fait accompli. Or so I thought...
We began to see each other on weekends...mainly hanging out with friends. It was February and soon I would be 17 and I was already the last of my kind. I had decided my birthday would be the day I kissed my ass goodbye.
At a friend's house we began to make out in the basement. While a few people hung out in another room, we made our exit and went somewhere quiet. I was nervous. As we began to kiss I knew this could be it--the moment. He asked me what was wrong. Nothing I said knowing full well at the time, everything was wrong. Where we were, even who I was with. Someone I'd known for a few weekends between December and February? Too thoughtful for my own good and if I wanted to lose my virginity I sure wasn't going to get there from where I was then in my mind. So I masked my concerns and continued this journey.
At some point though I couldn't keep it to myself. WRONG. All wrong and so I stopped the process. I couldn't do it. The words in my head were so strong that I managed to save what was left of my virginity. I can say with certainty there wasn't "penetration". But it was as close as close gets. The kind of close where the guy is so mad at you he figures out just then that you were a virgin.
So, there I was. Still a virgin and having to go back into the world - or at least my friend's basement- and pretend as if nothing had happened. But everything was different. I knew I had almost lost something precious to me to someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.
I suppose I have more to say about sex, and I'm sure in the future I will. But for now, let me add that later I did lose my virginity and it was basically okay but it was with someone I loved and had known forever. And the sex became better...and better...and the love well, that's another story. But at least I know the difference and I did learn that sex is something that needs moderation, or you'll end up hurt or hurting someone... but love, you can give it by the oodles, and that's what I consider sexy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
What is moderation anyway?
In relative terms, moderation is arbitrary by any definition. You know four cookies may seem excessive to the anorexic but hardly a mouthful to the bulimic. With that in mind it may seem futile to even discuss moderation when it is so up for debate. In politics, the moderate hardly seems anything but a middle-of-the-road time waster who can't take a stand that isn't based on weighing every pro and con. Unlike the fervent Republican whose emotions dictate the slur du jour, or the Democrat whose high ideals preclude ever getting anything done in real time; the Moderate irritates with their apparent lack of emotion or ideals when people so desperately want either or but nothing in between. Yes, it's all or nothing and the moderate seems more than content to walk the line of one moment having it all and the next sacrificing all to have...well nothing.
What kind of satisfaction can be gained by taking such a position?
My definition of moderation is not just an extension of politics however, it applies to lifestyle choices primarily and everything else secondarily. For one, moderation is a choice we make, to behave in such a way that dictates an overall course that is neither too little, nor too much. Resting upon an extreme for too long is something moderation avoids. So one can say moderation is both a function of time and quantity. The choice of moderation affords one the opportunity to experience, albeit I'll say to enjoy more, over the course of one's lifetime. I couldn't imagine never being able to enjoy a glass of champagne because I had gone too far with alcohol that I had to deny myself that simple pleasure as my survival depended upon remaining chaste!
Yes, in this example I am singling out the alcoholic. First alcohol is only mildly enjoyable as it is mostly painful. In our youth we need to experiment with the extremes of this drug so we can see where we fit in to its curve: foolhardy, weakling or tolerant. At times in our research we will behave as all of the above. Drinking to the point where we recall nothing of our actions and awaken the next day in the arms of some stranger, or in our own vomit or urine. Yuck! Weaklings may succumb to the pressures of peers and end up calling our exes but we do get all the guilt of remembering the next day. Those tolerant of the drug have the ability to enjoy their buzz but get home safely without embarrassment or humiliation to themselves or others.
To know if we have addictive personalities is the first task at hand. If we do, we need not dabble in the areas to which we are weak and foolhardy--too often.
Moderation gives us the clear choice--how to and to what extent to say when. Moderation is not about being stuck in the middle at all you see. It's about trying the extremes and choosing when to pendulate between them. Experience everything...nearly.
So sexy, don't you think?
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