have a little fun ok

Seriously. When it comes to relationships it's best not to take them or yourself too seriously. If it's not fun, or the person you're with isn't fun anymore (or never was) then you should adjust and move on to greener pastures as it were.

I have a lot of friends and it's been fun to watch their relationship escapades over the years--mine included. More often than not, the girls tended to go too far for a boy that was less interested in her than he was in her getting to know his little friend. The guys tended to wait too long to tell the girl how much he really wanted her and lost what could have been to what was definitely happening.

The point is this: we stay too long in relationships that aren't working.

One time, my friend went to see the guy she was dating and there was another woman at his place. So she sat there with the two of them waiting for the other to leave. When he got tired he said he was going to bed and told my friend she should go home. In your face. Whoosh. She thought she was this guy's girlfriend. Is that a delusion of grandeur?

Good grief. Does it have to be so hard? If humans were really the superior species wouldn't we have some sort of built in mechanism that rejects people with whom we can't be serious? Wishful thinking perhaps because to my knowledge there's very little physically that keeps two people apart. In fact we all possess the same types of pheromones that attract us to one another. Instead our heads and maybe our hearts determine how much we like someone and are willing to commit to them. But sexually speaking, there's no barrier whatsoever to getting busy. Now that's flawed if you ask me.

It's flawed because we [humans] have designed marriage and we all know you can have marriage without sex and sex without marriage. Marriage is two things: a legal contract that demands fidelity and a contract with God that says you will forsake all others. Either way you're limited once you've made your choice, but the part that gets me is that it has nothing to do with sex and procreation with your chosen partner. Wouldn't that ultimately be the point of marriage--to create more lives?Then we designed divorce to repeal those contracts. Sorry to God and sorry to nature.

In nature many creatures stay true to their mate for life; Blue Jays are such a species. The female chooses one male from a group of suitors and they fly away to be together. How does she know? She just knows. Then the male brings her food and twigs to make a home for the babies that will be coming. There's a higher power at work which insures perpetuation of the bond. Humans do this too but there's nothing internal, save for the mental anguish of leaving one's mate or the fear of a messy divorce that keeps a person that faithful. Not even love!

So is it love that keeps the birds together or the basic knowledge that they have fulfilled their destiny? With humans, temptation and desires delude us into believing there's more to be had and done; often in spite of contracts we've made with one another. Our destiny is ever evolving. Love is the excuse we use in either situation--going towards someone initially as well as leaving to go toward something or someone else i.e., I fell out of love or we couldn't help it, we fell in love.

People, maybe scientists, will say because those birds are well, bird brained, they don't have the capacity to discern love, and they only act via instinct. I ask, if humans are truly superior, shouldn't we be designed to run on an even higher order of this? But no, instead we're stricken, with a sickness, of over complicating relationships and thinking delusionally: that we can get away with having it all.

No one and nothing gets to have it all. The little Blue Jay understands this and lives satisfyingly because of it, simply stated. Relationships take time to develop into something and or fizzle to nothing. The case for marriage is overblown, but the case for divorce is abused and many people make both choices unwittingly I might add. Life is distracting. If you can remove some of the distractions, marriage might have a shot. In my own life, I've seen it work as my parents were married for 54 years. Arguments happen and breakdowns occur but if you can take those lumps and not fall apart then just maybe you can get somewhere on the timeline.

I know a girl waiting on a guy to marry her. There's a running joke about how he's actually too old to be called her boyfriend anymore. There's this intense pressure to make that happen and this man should no sooner be married than he should be president; it would just be funny. Too many women know this man and although he's a good candidate for change, the likelihood of any change occurring is next to none. I know another man that is married and yet always on the prowl. What was the point of the marriage? Why are people running headlong into this life choice that has nothing to do (at least legally) with life? Could it be these days nobody likes suffering... unless it's with someone by their side?

I'm just saying have as much fun as you need to before you make that decision because marriage is sacred and legally binding and in my view should be about making babies or raising them (adoption). Most people know this to be fundamentally true, even Tiger Woods married his wife then got her pregnant a couple times. It's just that he couldn't stop having sex with all those other women. Humans can take a clue from the blue birds and other species that mate for life...they only do it when they're ready.

Signing off,

The Sexy Moderate

Sex is pervasive...better moderate that

I remember when I was a virgin, and all my friends weren't, save for one. My friend, who I'll call Sam, and I decided if we hadn't had sex by 17 we would simply, do it. You know, just find someone, a boy, a crush or someone like that, if we didn't have a boyfriend to do the job. To be deflowered was the goal. You know all of our friends were active, some for several years already. We felt like old maids. The end of junior year we made this pact and went our ways that summer.

I was 16 and wanted a summer job. My mother said I would be working for the rest of my life and to just take it easy. (Maybe she was the original moderate in my life). Although it didn't help with the cash flow, I seemed to manage and had fun with my friends...going to House parties at Mendel and Soul Queen and wherever they were at the time. I was still solo however when we were getting close to returning to school for senior year. I liked some boys but there was no boyfriend to speak of so "becoming a woman" was looking quite impossible.

I'll never forget the day Sam called me toward the end of the summer. She was happy to announce that she had been hooking up with a guy from a summer program we were involved in a couple years back and that they had done THE DEED. She described to me their amazing rendezvous'...there were ice cubes and oral sex and lots of long languid sessions that you could only imagine reading in a Harlequin. I was stunned, titillated and depressed all at once.

I returned for senior year and went about my business...of virginity. When my friends told me of their exploits there was a part of me that just could not relate. I feigned understanding something only experience can teach you and I failed pretty miserably. It was like an invisible wall was always there when the girls in my clique talked about their boyfriends and the things they did together. I was often an outsider looking into a world I pretended to know.

Before I go on, don't get the wrong idea. I had boyfriends and had done the heavy petting thing. I just hadn't gone all the way. I mean, I had friends who had been engaging in the act since we were 11 so for all practical purposes I was coming late to the game as they say.

Then over Christmas break I met a freshman at Northwestern. A more mature man. Not someone I went to the same school with and I knew I'd met my mark. Sounds crazy now to think of him that way, but he was perfect in every way for the fait accompli. Or so I thought...

We began to see each other on weekends...mainly hanging out with friends. It was February and soon I would be 17 and I was already the last of my kind. I had decided my birthday would be the day I kissed my ass goodbye.

At a friend's house we began to make out in the basement. While a few people hung out in another room, we made our exit and went somewhere quiet. I was nervous. As we began to kiss I knew this could be it--the moment. He asked me what was wrong. Nothing I said knowing full well at the time, everything was wrong. Where we were, even who I was with. Someone I'd known for a few weekends between December and February? Too thoughtful for my own good and if I wanted to lose my virginity I sure wasn't going to get there from where I was then in my mind. So I masked my concerns and continued this journey.

At some point though I couldn't keep it to myself. WRONG. All wrong and so I stopped the process. I couldn't do it. The words in my head were so strong that I managed to save what was left of my virginity. I can say with certainty there wasn't "penetration". But it was as close as close gets. The kind of close where the guy is so mad at you he figures out just then that you were a virgin.

So, there I was. Still a virgin and having to go back into the world - or at least my friend's basement- and pretend as if nothing had happened. But everything was different. I knew I had almost lost something precious to me to someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.

I suppose I have more to say about sex, and I'm sure in the future I will. But for now, let me add that later I did lose my virginity and it was basically okay but it was with someone I loved and had known forever. And the sex became better...and better...and the love well, that's another story. But at least I know the difference and I did learn that sex is something that needs moderation, or you'll end up hurt or hurting someone... but love, you can give it by the oodles, and that's what I consider sexy.