Discipline

I think I love to think of myself as a writer but don't love to do the writing. I was not going to write tonight. But I have to and I am working my last nerve with this...discipline thing.

To be steadfast to something is to summon every fiber of your being and submit to doing what is necessary. In a relationship it's staying true to the other person. In work, it's adhering to office protocol and fulfilling duties, in parenthood it's behaving selflessly and providing for the lives with which you are now responsible. It all takes discipline.

At times I've been in all those categories and admittedly I didn't always possess the discipline expected of me. It's a daily commitment and I can tell you it has been a struggle in every aspect of my life to have all the discipline needed day in and day out. I do personally feel bad about it; I have guilt about times I was supposed to be modeling leadership behavior but instead appeared lazy.

I don't know if there is a connection between being marginally successful and being a dynamo that relates to discipline, but I could gander there is one. I feel I have yet to reach the threshold of unlimited success because I lack a steady discipline. I do work diligently--in spurts. I have doubts about my level of success that are tied to all the days I say "screw it" to myself and procrastinate on work and projects that I assign to myself.

I know that I'm fine taking a bit of time off, but when I exceed a moderate amount, there goes the guilt and in comes the shame. How can you bounce back from that one-two punch? It's a lot to gather strength and fight the good fight knowing your efforts won't be wasted. When I begin to falter, the cycle will feel repetitive but nevertheless comforting. I don't know if it's avoidance or depression or both. In my case, it could be minute amounts of each. (In the winter I'm even more aware of it which is another reason I must apply self control and stick to the plan.)

I say minute because I am by most accounts a happy person and the one thing that gets my attention no matter what is my child. I never skimp on him, so I feel empowered knowing that I have that priority which always takes precedence. I am disciplined about my child. As a woman, single, in the city however, it's not uncommon to feel a little bit deflated by it as well. I love being a mother, but I think I would equally enjoy being a wife. I just don't have a social life. [Here's where I admit to going on one date last year and only having, er, um, relations, once.]

Mothers like me know, we put our kids first, single moms know keeping the money coming in comes second and we might make ourselves a distant third. That being the case I told myself this year I would loosen up a bit and begin to explore more options. I'll admit to being a little staid in the past but I think this year I may be more disciplined in attending more events and getting out there to meet new people.

But I know that discipline starts with a little thing like this blog...and writing everyday. If, just if, I can tackle something like this and prove to myself it can be done by a free spirited person like me, then I will know that I truly hold the world in my hands. I can know it's not out of my control as I so often feel, regardless of the mantras I repeat: you got this, you can do it, it's up to you. Everyone has moments of weakness so I'm not knocking my mantras--they give me the positive mental affirmation I need to do what's needed and live fearlessly. But I'm no fool either--I'm a vulnerable, single mom and if I don't acknowledge that, I couldn't live authentically on this planet. No man is an island right?

At times I'm wrought with uncertainty, fear, helplessness, anger, impatience, and doubt. I often feel like a fraud in the world I'm thrust into - volunteer at school, mentor to children and adults. I sometimes have no idea how I'll pay all the bills! But image wise I must appear to know and it's not that easy putting on a brave face. Somehow these things work out though, don't they? At least they do for me.

Maybe that's belief. Just maybe, through the doubt,impatience, anger, helplessness, fear and uncertainty, my belief in myself gets me through. My belief in a higher power tells me I'm here to succeed. I should have no concept of failure because I'm here for bigger things, if I can only persevere.

Discipline: I have it but I want to apply it more universally, more moderately, with fewer starts and stops and so I'm working on it...one page at a time.