equality friends

"Have no friends not equal to yourself."
- Confucious (551 - 497 BC) Chinese philosopher.


At what point do you start "withholding" friendship from those who can't or won't show you the same level of support? Maybe you don't have to withhold, maybe you just need to moderate.

If possession is 9/10ths of the law, then perception is 100 percent. Sometimes the people in your life get away with treating you less like a friend and more like a minion and that's not a good look when you want to be viewed as an equal in the relationship. If you are perceived by others as someone who acts as a sycophant to another peer or professional colleague, then you can believe you will lose a modicum of respect from both those looking in as well as from the friend.

The friend may not intend to be disrespectful, but certain expectations will arise from making yourself too available, and your friend will probably take for granted that you make a choice to be supportive. While in fact, you can always choose otherwise, but out of a sense of loyalty, you may want to be there for your friend. In my view sleight of hand isn't just a magician's trick. When you feel slighted, you have no choice but to act strategically for the sake of your reputation and respect. If you take back a little of your dignity you can feel pretty good about how, where, when and why you decide to dole out your support in the future.

One time, a friend of mine, Janet* had a birthday party and her best friend told her she was coming but didn't bother to show up. Imagine the distraction all night wondering where her friend could be but having to entertain the guests at her party anyway. When her friend sauntered in three hours late with a lame boyfriend fight excuse, it was enough to make anyone's head explode. But by saying nothing Janet gave her permission to continue the behavior of devaluing their friendship; which she did, over and over again.

The only time I've seen these types of relationships go from bad to better was when the sycophant removed them self from the relationship entirely. Sounds harsh doesn't it? But extreme times call for extreme measures don't they? People need to believe that you are able to stand and create on your own. No one needs to walk in anyone's shadow. After all, self-determination is one of the finest caveat's of living.

If you have in fact gone too far in any relationship with making yourself into a doormat, or overly supportive, then perhaps a little moderation on your part can help reestablish equilibrium so you don't have to make that quantum jump from all to nothing. Here are some hard and fast rules for bringing things back in line:

1) A tit for a tat. Maybe you have a friend who expects you to come to all their events, but never/hardly ever shows at yours. This is actually easy. For every event they attend of yours, you attend an event of theirs. Once you start, you can't break form. You can only attend another event of theirs when they've showed face at one of yours. The idea is not to be miserly with your friendship but to see if your friend will value the relationship and make a point of attending something that is important to you. Moderating your time, allows them the gift of moderating theirs. When I wanted to go visit a friend too much when I was younger, my mom would say, "You don't always have to go over to somebody's house, let them come over to yours now and then too," and she was right.


2) Staying in touch is a two-way street. Let your friend know that their friendship means a lot to you and you are genuinely interested in their life. Share something each time they share something with you so they see this is not the narcissist's hour. Not only do you have to listen to their babbling but they have to hear yours as well. You do have a life and they need to recognize!

and finally...
3) Be open to changing the dynamic at any time by any means. If your friend calls with a crisis and you help her through it, you have every right to laud it over her head when you are facing your own. Sometimes playing the game means having to let people know when they are being selfish with their friendship. It's okay though, because when people are self-serving you have to call them on it, even if, no, especially if they are our friends. Look at it like this, it's not being manipulative when you are really helping them by giving them the opportunity to help someone else (you).

Good friends are hard to come by and sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people that we might drop if only we could change the course of history. More than likely, you feel trapped by certain ties that bind, and you don't want to turn your back on someone completely. I'm here to tell you that not only can you change the course of the relationship, but you can change the friend through your own actions or at the very least, change how they deal with you. It's a bit of self respect with a bit of tough love; a little assertion mixed with a little ingenuity.
Work it right and it's a whole lot of moderation and that's a whole lot of sexy.